The Allen Almanac

I consider myself somewhat of an expert at this so I thought I’d share some of wisdom with everyone. The first thing you have to realize is that your wife wants to get mad at you. That way she can hold it over your head whenever she does something that you don’t like. The second thing to realize is that if she is going to get mad at you, you might as well have fun while you’re doing it. Knowing that you pissed off your wife purposefully is much more satisfying than doing it without knowing for sure why she is mad.

• Pretend to have ADHD - This is a good one to start with. Basically, whenever she starts talking to you, listen to her for a few seconds and then just let your mind wander. Start watching TV, look out the window, or just go back to what you were doing before she started talking. When she notices, pretend like you didn’t even realize she was talking. This one really works well if she is trying to talk to you about something she thinks is important. This really has a lot of room for improvisation on your part.
• Get caught checking out other women - She knows you do it, but she doesn’t want to see you do it. It works really well if you can get caught checking out one of her friends or sisters.
• Leave the seat up - I don’t know how women got authority over the toilet seat, but don’t question it. Just accept it and use it to your benefit. If you really want to piss her off, leave the seat down even when you pee. Nothing pisses a wife off like sitting on a pee-covered toilet seat.
• PMS - Whenever your wife is grouchy or tired ask her if it is that time of the month. This works even if she really has PMS. If she already has PMS, pointing it out to her will just make her grouchier.
• Use your kids (infants) - The birth of a child brings many opportunites to piss off your wife. To start with, refuse to help with it at night. She will already be exhausted from caring for the newborn and claiming that you need your sleep will probably cause her to become homicidal. It isn’t particularly clever but it gets consistent results. If your child is breastfed, teach it to walk up to your wife and moo at her. She already feels like cow and she’ll know it was you that is responsible.

• Use your kids (toddlers and young children) - As your kids get older more opportunities arise. Do simple things like tell them that Mommy has candy when she doesn’t or that she promised to take them to the park when she already has definite plans for the day. Or just allow them access to her stuff and let them do the work. Toddlers can be very creative. Try to teach your kids to cuss. To me, nothing is cuter than when a 2 year old let’s out a stream of fucks. To your wife, it is probably less cute. If nothing else get the kids to cuss in front of Mom and her parents - instant pissiness.
• Be frivolous with money - But not by spending it on her. It’s all got to be spent on your interests. Whatever floats your boat: video games, car modifications, restaurants, movies. Just remember not to spend it on anything she will like. This one takes some time, but it sure is fun.
• Embarrass her - This is another open ended one. Find out what embarrasses her and do it in public. Personally, I like to grab my wife’s butt as we walk trough a store. If it is some place with lots of children present, I’ve found this works especially well. But really this one has to be tailored to your individual wife.
• Make her late - No matter where you are going or what you are doing, make her be late. The only exceptions apply if you are going somewhere you really want to go together like to see Blood Demon 6 or the ballgame. The longer you can wait before getting ready to go, the more pissed she will be. ex. Supposed to be at church by 9? Wake up before her and turn off the alarm.
• Anti-Feminism - Just act as anti-feminist as you can. Come home from work and tell her to get you a beer. Refuse to help with “women’s work.” Tell her she only belongs in two places: the kitchen and on her knees. I’m sure you can come up with more. This is more of a reactive thing to do than a proactive thing. You have to be ready to shoot down any idea of hers as stupid women thinking. It really doesn’t matter if she knows you don’t mean it. Either way, she will be hearing the echo of every man who ever told a women she couldn’t do something. For some reason this makes them mad.
• Bonus tip - make a list of all the things you do to piss her off and post it on your website.

Well, that’s all for now. If you’ve got anything to add, leave me a comment. I’m always looking for new ways to piss of my wife.