The Allen Almanac

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington

* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Russell Beland, Springfield

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington

* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield

* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
Russell Beland, Springfield

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington

* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield

* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown

I saw these on an article on reddit. Are they really bad, though? I actually like most of these. It’s really hard to say without seeing them in context. If they were in serious essays, then yes, they suck. But I think Douglas Adams would have been proud of many of these. My favorite: “The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.”

edit - I have been informed that these are indeed not from high school essays. They are from a column in the Washington Post called Style Invitational. According to this site, it was from 1995. That site also list these additional analogies:

> - - She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic
> third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
>
> - - Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius
> unseen since the debut of Goober on “Mayberry R.F.D”.
> (John Kammer, Herndon)
>
> - - Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense
> of accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he
> successfully blows up another college professor.
> (Anonymous, no city please)
>
> - - After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel
> relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet
> his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
>
> - - You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton
> sheets washed for decades in cold water without bleach like
> no self-respecting woman who came of age in the 1940s
> would allow in her house, much less on one of her beds, but
> up with which she must put whenever she visits one of her
> own daughters, just as if they had never been brought up
> right. (DEV, Madison, Wis)
>
> 4th Runner-Up: Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as
> Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema
> and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural
> floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy
> Pontzer, Sterling)
>
> 3rd Runner-Up: The baseball player stepped out of the box
> and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches
> itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses
> to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they
> pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover
> Hills)
>
> 2nd Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably
> is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or
> something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread
> that nobody knows the name for, like those little square
> plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the
> name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
>
> 1st Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts
> your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows
> down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you
> can’t sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
>
> And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain
> pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed
> the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with
> the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)